You Stood Still

A Monday morning love letter

When life feels like a carnival ride that could make me barf, I step back. I look up, I look down, I look around at nature at the very teeny tiny small kingdoms existing oblivious to the trifling garbage of modern ‘media’ life. I see things I don’t normally notice. This post is not about nature. It’s about love. It’s about my human, my person, the one who loves me above all else, simply and selflessly. He’s there. Always. Working on the broken things. Keeping a list of what is needed of him, not what’s important to him but what’s important to our family. Hugging freely. Holding hands. Laughing and making others laugh too. He’s considerate. The MOST considerate human I’ve ever met. For me, he stands still. His world stops, so mine can spin. This is for you, hon.

We met in our teens. You wooed me the old fashioned way, the best way, with small tokens. A love letter, a flower, a rock, hand holding, long talks on those old wall phones. Lying in a farmers field watching the clouds. I was helpless to resist.

In our 20’s-30’s I wanted. I wanted a family, I wanted a house. Then I wanted a better house closer to work and better schools. Then, because I get bored easily, I wanted a different job and more income, changing companies often and then settling at one company but changing jobs every 6 months to 2 years. I wanted vacations with my siblings. I wanted to get our family together for reunions in other states. I wanted and you stood still. You made sure all of this happened, even if it wasn’t all together what you wanted.

In our 40’s-50’s life settled in. Raising sons, visiting family, comfortable incomes and jobs that began to tame my restlessness, with lots of projects building things or cleaning up disasters, which kept my brain busy and finally exhausted my intellectual capacity. We started biking and boating and walking and hiking and getting out into nature which we both loved. You joined online gaming guilds, we grilled out with neighbors, you took up mountain biking. You quietly enjoyed our semi-rural, settled life.

When the pandemic came, again you stood still. You held firm becoming the immovable bulwark against the insanity. Researching, searching for truth amongst the lies. Sharing good news with us and our extended family every day during the unspeakably twisted demands which bombarded us every waking minute. You watched me quietly lose my mind for a bit, an empath overwhelmed by the tidal wave of fear, stress, hatred, and lies. Even God could not comfort me during this time. But you did. You stood still.

Again, I wanted to return to the bosom of our extended family for safety and support and you stood still. You moved our home. You kept your job, despite the grueling commute. You watched as your presence was split, your time diluted. Your support and care and list squeezed into a partial week. Our emotional and spiritual connection thinned into the finest of gossamer webs, undeniably strong but tenable and prone to breakages. You stood still. Listening to all my fears and worries. Doggedly addressing them one by one.

Again, I experienced medical issues one after another ramping up my fears for the future. You stood still. You began researching to help me understand all the facts and stop making up stories in my head like I tend to do. You slowly and gently convinced me that everything is not life threatening. That I am healthy, but things happen, that life goes on. I’m more comfortable in my skin now than I’ve been ever in my 60 years on this planet, because of you. Because you stood still.

Again, I wanted to retire. You stood still. You helped me see the bigger picture, where we are as a family and where we’re headed. You supported me in my decision making, ultimately giving me all the space I needed to make my own choices regardless of concerns you might have. Semi-retirement was the best decision for us, one that I came to on my own, but with your unfailing support.

Again, now I want to travel. You stand still. You hate traveling. You’re happiest on the porch swing in the back yard with a cold beer, or fishing a cold water stream, or hiking in the wilderness. But for me, you stand still.

Today I’m struck by the fiercely burning flame of your love for me. It’s a love that everyone deserves, that many have but are too blind to see. It’s a love that supports, nurtures, and sacrifices. For all of us, you stand still. Because of you, together we’ve built a life. Together we’ve faced physical, spiritual, and emotional disasters. Because of you, together we’re stronger.

I love you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Now - I will stand still for you.