Ode to Neanderthals

Why I love 'toxic masculinity'.

Credit: LinkedIn

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The internet definition of ‘toxic masculinity’ is:

“… defined by adherence to traditional male gender roles that consequently stigmatize and limit the emotions boys and men may comfortably express while elevating other emotions such as anger. It is marked by economic, political, and social expectations that men seek and achieve dominance.” And “toxic masculinity thus contributes to gender inequalities that disadvantage women and privilege men.”

I view the concept of ‘toxic masculinity’ as an imaginary label commonly, currently used to degrade strong, independent, competitive males as a danger to themselves and to modern society. I don’t understand, agree, or believe in such a thing. The same people who believe we’re evolved from primates appear to deny the presence of (complete and utter) male dominance in primates such as gorillas.

Credit: erwinf Getty Images

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“Mountain gorillas live in groups that are led by a dominant silverback (adult male), who must lead the group's daily travels and activities, keep the group cohesive, and defend the group from outside intruders.” (gorillafund.org) “The silverback gorilla is the leader of the family, where his role is to protect, mediate conflict, and breed with the females to pass on his genetics. Under the silverback, the rest of the family forms their own hierarchy.” (zooatlanta.org)

These words are not only non-toxic, but they evoke feelings of comfort inside me - lead the group, keep cohesive, defend from intruders, protect, mediate, pass on genetics.

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I met my husband in French club, when I was a sophomore and he a freshman in high school. After dating through high school and attending college with him, I married him - the “male chauvinist" of his class. Through 41 years together, it’s obvious to me that he’s very much the ‘silverback gorilla’ of our family. I daresay he’s the de facto leader of the larger, extended family - a person that most of the family look up to and turn to for advice. In school he was a highly competitive, decorated track athlete. He had simple aspirations for a decent house, a wife, and a family. He’s never overcomplicated things with grandiose dreams of being a millionaire, or traveling the world, or being famous. He’s very happy with food, sex, sleep, and a porch swing to sit on.

Then, there’s me. I’ve constantly changed - my mind, my job, my looks. My mind constantly churns, never at rest. Highly intelligent, with a great deal of intellectual capacity, I’m what some call ‘high strung’ and others call ‘crazy’. LOL. I do want to create things, make a difference of some kind, see the world. But, you see, growing up with him makes me want those things together. He’s not crazy about travel, but he’ll do it for me. He’s not crazy about change, but he does it for me ALL THE TIME. He’s the guidepost, the north star of our family. He feels it is his solemn duty to ensure that we have a warm, safe place to be and he’s especially supportive of me.

When we relocated a few years ago, he determined that I was ‘profoundly lonely’, something that affects many people while others are not aware. He started giving me 10-second hugs multiple times a day and what a difference it made. I highly recommend that all couples take up this practice. His hugs are the best, very therapeutic. He has great respect for my capabilities, but still keeps fuel on hand with 2 generators to ensure we are always prepared. He’s still there for me, warming up the car when it’s cold, asking if there’s anything he can do for me today.

Over the years we’ve created a partnership with a rhythm and a consistency that is both simple and comfortable - comforting. He brings me flowers weekly, and I make dessert with Sunday dinner. Even when he is not around, I feel ‘hugged’. My sons understand the importance of supporting each other, supporting me and their last surviving grandmother. They realize their importance in the human hierarchy, kind to everyone but especially considerate of females. Even under the modern, misguided yoke of toxic masculinity, they are strong and confident of their place in the familial and societal hierarchy - both of them naturally considering themselves apex, without ego. This is a natural outcome of the example demonstrated by their father, their grandfather, and their great-grandfather. Each of them easily what would today be considered toxic.

There’s a line in the movie McClintock when John Wayne is explaining to his daughter why he won’t be leaving the ranch to her but plans to leave her just 500 acres instead - “But the real reason, Becky, is because I love you, and I want you and some young man to have what I had, because all the gold in the United States Treasury and all the harp music in heaven can't equal what happens between a man and a woman with all that growin' together. I can't explain it any better than that.” I always remember this line when I think back over our lives together. Together we make the most of life. Of what we have. Together, we have hope for the future and for our future grandchildren. Toxic masculinity?!! HELL, YES PLEASE!