Cold Brew Coffee
It's total fucking chaos! Meme-orizing it is something like whackbat, with water.
A few months ago I got the brilliant idea to try making my own cold brew coffee. It all started when I decided to quit using coffee makers with plastic in them. Then the hunt for “glass and stainless steel” makers began and EVERYONE on geekle lies about that. And don’t get me started about Amazon and big box stores, who have driven out all the local shops so I can’t physically see a coffee maker in person to decide for myself if there are demons in it, oh sorry, I mean plastic and recycled plastic.
Anyhoo, are you still with me? Have you even had your morning coffee yet bro? Pay attention cause we’re getting to the good part.
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Cold brew is generally made in a glass container. Here are pics of my progression of glassware after each (failed) attempt at getting the cold brew right.
See, no plastic. One is a decades old mix and pour from Pampered Chef. Two and three, I picked up at the local Walmart (I know, big box but it’s local jobs) or you could check Tractor Supply in the canning section. The first container, I used with a stainless steel insert from an electric tea kettle, which fell apart from the could brew effort. The second came with a stainless steel insert of its own, which I used for the second and subsequent batches, in both jars 2 and 3. I just bought a jar, looked up a recipe online, dropped by Trader Joe for coffee I ground at the store, and off I went down the hell-hole, sorry, garden path of making my own coffee without heat or plastic.
I’m considered a highly intelligent human being. Back in the day I was called ‘gifted’. I never imagined I’d need to iterate because shit went sideways. It’s freaking coffee! Seriously? LOL. Here is an example of a recipe like the one I started out with.
You’ll see in a moment that my attempts to memorize all these numbers failed miserably, so I started writing things down - on the bag of the first coffee I tried. LOL
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See all the numbers in that recipe? Shit like ‘recipe for one quart’, ‘scale it up or down using 1 oz … per 1 cup’, and ‘makes 2.5 cups…enough for 5 cups of coffee’. And that witch’s brew of thoughts stems from 2 simple ingredients - 1.5 cups of ground coffee and 3 cups of water. OUCH, my brain just exploded. You’re on your own from here if you want to attempt this, but here are my learnings.
Batch 1 - Just ok. Had no real filtering method so it tasted like ass.
Batch 2 - Forgot shrinkage. What’s shrinkage anyway? The recipe I used said half the water would be lost and I’d end with a concentrate that made coffee in a 1:1 ratio of concentrate to water for cup size desired. WTAF!!
Batch 3 (also Jar 3) - BELLISSIMO! The third jar in the picture above is my fourth batch, currently brewing. With the third batch, I finally made magic and here’s how it happened.
First, I used a calculator to convert all the numbers above into enough cold brew for 7 days at 14 oz per day. BRAIN freeze, ouchy! We use 20 oz mugs so there’s room for days that I decide to add cream. We’ve been using 2-ish tablespoons per 14 oz forever so - drumroll and fairy dust please - 96 oz of water in this jar with 14 tablespoons of course-ground coffee made enough for me to have 14 oz per day for 7 days. If it shrunk, I’d still have concentrate for 7 days to which I’d simply add water.
Second, I used a wide mouthed gallon jar and I let it brew for 20 - 24 hours. OMG there was like zero shrinkage with this jar. WTAF!!
Third, I shit-canned the excruciating process of filtering this stuff. Here’s why - I was using some old filters from God knows where or when, which had a small cut in the center making them almost useless. Now, I use a stainless steel strainer for the grounds while I brew, so there are no grounds in the finished product. The result is a slightly cloudy brew that when heated has what appears to be a slick on the surface. It’s too much trouble to get some beautiful appearance when NONE OF THIS changes the taste. Now, I gently stir the cold brew before I dip it into a cup, and I don’t go the whole way to the bottom of the jar with the dipper.
I ruthlessly used my hubby as a guinea pig on my third batch, because his coffee from the plastic brewer tastes horrible. He is now a cold brew convert! In all seriousness, it’s worth the trial and error because cold brewing makes the best damned cuppa coffee I’ve ever had!
It’s time to put memes to this sad, sad, horrible, no good story of how cold brew kills you with math. Enjoy these with some homemade cold brew. I love you guys!
Comments are for winners, winners, and cold brew drinkers! Yay!
I guzzled an entire coffee while I read this. It wasn't cold tho. bummer.
This post speaks to me. I tried to make cold brew sometime last year and it was a disaster! I don't even remember what recipe I used, but I didn't even try to do the math. I'm not good with following directions, either, which might also have been a problem. Maybe I'll have my husband look over this for me...