What I Want
A prelude to Authordom
Credit: L. Rhoades sunrise awakening
Originally written June 27, 2013. Published on Amazon, January 2023.
A great man and mentor to me once defined diversity as follows:
“Diversity is the ability to be oneself without repercussions.”
This definition is both simple and profound, applies to the entire human condition, and is what I want.
When asked to articulate what I want to be, I struggle. Over the course of my lifetime, I have self-assessed, self-coached, self-recriminated, and self-realized. I am as brutally honest with myself as I tend to be with others. I have come to discover that it is not defining what I want that is so hard, but it is speaking it and by doing so, getting it. This requires a level of commitment, to the cause so to speak, that I have been previously unwilling to put into words. In my humble experience, EVERYTHING I speak becomes a reality. In fact, when others, such as my children or my employees, ask me “How do I x?” or “What does it take to do/be y?” I always say, “A decision”.
My current challenge is that the universe consistently taps me on the shoulder and says, “I think you can do/be more”. Although I thrive on the challenges this brings, my inability to perform even the simplest of tasks in half measure means that I tackle (in a very physical, emotional, and mental way) every new challenge. I go all-in, so to speak. A former superior said of me “You cannot help but execute”.
At this point in my life, I have a real fear of success because I do not know what it means to me and my family. I recently spoke of this hesitancy with a senior executive who wants me to do/be more in his team. When asked if I had reasons for my concern, I realized that I do not. I have made some assumptions about what it takes to be more. These assumptions might be holding me back.
With all that said, the type of human being I wish to be is:
Creative
At Peace
Joyful
Strong
Resilient
Influential
Helpful
Loving
Professionally, I must feel like it matters that I show up to work each day. At the same time, I frequently quote another mentor who said, “Our job is to eliminate our job”. It is not critical for me to be recognized for the results my team achieves. The results themselves are the recognition. In fact, being “recognized” is not on my list.
When I am no longer needed to influence results, I am ready for the next challenge. This is a pattern which has manifested itself throughout the latter half of my career without my planning for it. I accept that I tend toward problem solving opportunities and that despite my urge to execute, I have become quite proficient at creating strategic vision and influencing teams (both direct reports and autonomous teams) to achieve great things. I strongly believe human beings rise to expectations when sufficiently challenged.
All fears and past perceptions aside, I want to be who I am. Everything I’m capable of being. I want to live up to the limitless human potential buried inside every one of us. Whatever achieving that potential holds for me, I am ready.
I wrote this shortly after declining a very large promotion to an Executive Director position. I was struggling, searching my soul for my part in a close family member’s overdose. This short story saved me, and in doing so it saved my family’s life.
I didn’t know it yet, but more overdoses were to come, along with more searching, more strength, and so much change that no one in my family or in my professional circle was untouched.
We are doing well now, in spite of our entire planet’s being turned upside down by the tragic pandemic of the last 3 years. We’ve moved across country, I’ve taken several steps down in my career resulting in increased peace, love, joy, and time with my family.
If you’re struggling to define yourself, your life, your next step – STOP. Decide – who you want to be – and you will. Depend on your tribe to support you. Include those you love in your journey and let everything else go.
May peace be with you…
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