Tuesday Tidbits: Why Pray

We are not failures

Prayer is in the very air around us. Credit: Microsoft Bing Image Creator

My God. What’s happening right now? It’s written that our souls have been outfitted with all the memories of all the people of all the worlds, with all the strength, wisdom, and know-how to become the humans we were destined to be. Therefore, we’ve no need to ask for courage, strength, love, etc. It’s already here, inside of us. It’s built into the very nanoparticles of which we’re crafted. With upmost certainty that it’s all for a reason, we should embark upon our life’s journey.

Still, this morning with eyes puffy and knees sore, and with a band of confusion and anxiety tightening like a giant fist around my heart, I pray for the millionth time that I’m resilient enough to weather the storm of guilt I endure on a daily basis about what I consider to be my failures as a parent. This elephant is crushing the very life out of me. On days like this humble, innocent Tuesday I feel a sorrow the size of the horizon beyond which we cannot see when staring out from our vacation beaches. It’s so vast, endless. When will I feel the relief of forgiveness from who or what I simply don’t know. I’m not confident on mornings like these that I can put my fingers on this inborn strength. If I have such strength why am I begging to make the test stop?

I started this post to write about how to pray but something else is pouring out of me right now instead. Maybe what I’m feeling is prayer. I talk to God constantly. My reference above about sore knees is figurative. I pray while walking, showering, brushing my teeth, driving, grocery shopping. It’s everywhere. It’s all around me. My conversation with God. I’m like that person who doesn’t get out enough and talks non-stop when around other people, barely taking a breath. For me, it’s an ongoing stream of consciousness, like inner dialogue. Such is the prevalence of thanks, requests, behests, and rants I exchange with my creator.

Over the years, He’s seen fit to send me trials, several of which I’ve failed over and over and over and over again. Trials of honesty, kindness, forgiveness, peace. Chances to feel and see and learn the lessons so as not to repeat them. Parenting is just such a test. It’s an endless gift that is also one of our most important walks. The most important growth opportunity we’re given.

Most of us start with plants. Can we meet the short list of needs a simple houseplant has? After that it’s on to pets. A fish. Then a cat. Then a dog, 2 dogs. We’ve got this! Then we bring the baby home from the hospital and while pulling out of the hospital parking lot we start crying - “Oh my God! What have I done? I have no idea what to do with this. Why didn’t he come with an instruction manual?” Ah, but he did come with an instruction manual. The Bible has chapter and verse about families and communities and rules and guidance. This is where prayer comes in.

People who don’t know me but see me wandering around mumbling to myself likely think I’m crazy. There are lots more people who will consider me a flake just because I’m a Christian. Fortunately for me, none of their thoughts or opinions matter one bit to my relationship with God. Being a Christian means God is part of my life. I don’t have a spare room He stays in. He doesn’t come to visit. He is me. I am Him. Inside me is the spark I need to have open conversations and work things out. In this relationship there is no isolation. Every thought, action, word, and feeling is there for Him to see. In this way, He knows me, all of me. What shows up in my path every day was carefully pre-ordained. There’s something for my personal growth in everything that happens. EVERYTHING. Not some things, not some days. All the time, everything.

This conversation is part of the fabric of the universe that births life. It’s the spark. It’s the soul. I can no more separate it from my ‘self’ than we can separate our planet from the universe. In Star Wars it was ‘the force’. Within the words I share with you about what I share with God, I acknowledge my part. My teeny, tiny part of the eons of time that passed before me and will continue to pass after me. Tethering myself to the larger vastness of human existence IS WHAT GIVES ME HOPE. It’s a reason. It’s THE reason that my tears are drying and I feel like I lost 20 pounds and the band has loosened on my chest and I know that I’m not the horrible person I sometimes think I am, but I’m in fact the only mom God found fit for my sons because they too have a path. Therefore, I am the best parent they’re intended to have and I’ve been that parent at each step of the way, all along. And all of this comes from a prayerful, close, personal relationship with God. As lonely as I feel right this very second, I also feel very thankful that God gave me a family to love but also to fail with because it’s this reliance on what’s vastly bigger than us that reminds us why each of us is a uniquely critical piece of the interconnected human whole. Each of us matters. Each of us.

Prayer is the process of figuring out why you’re right where you belong at this moment, creating hope if not acceptance. If you don’t have a close personal relationship with something bigger than yourself, consider connecting in this or some other way. May peace be with you on this Tuesday.

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