"I'm NOT Adopted!"
And other tales from a very Cori Thanksgiving
Get in loser, we’re starting at the beginning. Quit your crying, there’re memes for dessert!
My niece and fam host Thanksgiving for hordes of our family. It’s important to note that her kitchen is size of postage stamp that’s been torn apart in the USPS lost letter room. Picture it - crowds of kids, curious onlookers AND her 11 year old dog, Sookie constantly scouring for crumbs. No joke, all this is happening in a 4x4 foot square floor area while our big booties are moving around preparing food. I go all drill sergeant on everyone as they arrive and just start dropping coolers and crock pots and stuff just any old place - into 2 inches of bare counter space, onto the table I’ve cleared to prepare for eating there, onto the floor of a walkway👀. I’m like “what’s that?! don’t set that there!”, to which some people get in a huff and snap at me, to which I retract my head like a turtle then shout “What?! (with an unspoken “the F, mofo” on the end of the sentence in my head) You started it! (with an unspoken “by dropping your shit anywhere you please when it’s clear that it’s total fucking chaos while we are TRYING TO WRITE THE NEXT GREAT SYMPHONY!” - abruptly tugging my shirt down and squaring my shoulders…).
Then I shoot off commands to Lacey to move stuff around on her miniscule counter space to fit all the sides on them. Every now and then we explode in unison “GET OUTTA THE KITCHEN!" causing the gazelle of all ages to scatter over to the seating area and stay outta the way. Then, being an organizer, I start telling Lacey how to squeeze more space out of the room by adding a baker’s rack here, a cabinet there - hey what did I say? She needs to get that giant ice machine off her 2 feet of counter space!! She’s REAL happy with me by this point. So happy, in fact, that she starts mixing drinks. LOL. She starts shouting over her shoulder to all the ladies in the room, “who wants a cranberry mule?” Of course, I’m like “Another pet, Lacey? Make the bad man stop.” LOL. She has 2 big dogs. The other one is listening to all the fun from the garage and will be released after dinner.
Once we’re finally ready to load plates, we realize we’re short two chairs at the tables. Lacey says - “too bad. That’s all the chairs I have.” I’m like LOL. “There’s this thing called texting. We have extra chairs at our house.” Anyway, she has a little love seat along the wall in the dining area so my hubby and my son Seth end up sitting there. Once everyone is so stuffed they need to purge just to taste dessert, the chit chat starts. Ah, yes, here’s that family dynamic we know and love. A small kerfluffle erupts when my sister says “Lacey, Sookie is fat. It’s not healthy for her.” Oh my word, you would have thought someone told jokes at a funeral. My other niece, Kendra’s, kids were upset (clearly they are co-managing Sookie’s career as a doggie diva) “She’s not fat. She’s living her best life, she’s like 13 for God’s sake! Don’t say that about Sookie! You’ll hurt her feelings. (great nephew Eli is covering Sookie’s ears with with his hands). A full-on debate about dogs, age, and weight ensued (hilariously IMHO). There was a piling on of debate positions ranging from covering her ears to prevent hurting her feelings, to renaming her ‘Fookie’ (fat Sookie - I came up with that. What?! 🤷♀️), to me challenging Eli to a Twister marathon because he clearly has some stunted emotions he’s currently projecting onto a dog, to someone shouting ‘get her on zepbound, to me challenging Eli to a shooting contest - because he’s convinced he can beat me at anything and because I’m the best shot in the whole family except for my now 9 year old great nephew Silas, which is a grossly unfair comparison because he’s had way more practice what with shooting out his own front tooth with a pellet gun at age 3. I can NOT fucking top that kind of commitment to the art. No one can. Looking back over this now, it looks like maybe I was stirring the pot, eh?! Lmao
And, let’s not forget those random moments of awkwardness. First, when Lacey’s hubby arrived in the kitchen from the barn out back (all 6’5’’ of him) with a perfectly deep fried turkey, which he was innocently trying to carve on our improvised counter made from a cutting board placed over the sink, when I gave him a huge bear hug from behind while shouting “I love you! I missed you AND the turkey. You’re my favorite nephew in law (he’s literally my ONLY nephew in law). I immediately stepped back and said “oh, sorry, A W K W A R D”. He said “not at all, that was great!” Whataguy!
Then we’re all chilling in our food comas after dinner and everyone has that pleasant ‘restaurant dining room conversational hum’ going in the background and my great nephew Kane (the youngest at this party) blurts out “I’m NOT adopted!”, while staring murderously into my husband’s eyes while squeezing his cheeks. Hubby was sitting on the love seat with Kane standing in front of him. A W K W A R D! All conversation stopped and heads turned to look at them. I said “what are you saying to that baby?!” And he explained - Kane had told hubby his eyes are really bright blue. Kane said his own eyes were gray (they are blue btw). Hubby told him he got his eye color from his mom and dad. Kane had walked over and carefully inspected his parents, returning to inform hubby that they both have brown eyes, to which hubby says “Maybe you’re adopted?” and Kane blurts out “I’m NOT adopted!” First of all, ya gotta understand. Kane is 5 years old with the smarts and vocabulary of a thirty year old. I am certain he knows exactly what adopted means and was therefore vehemently denying such a claim. It’s safe to say he’s his father’s son because although his nick name will be forever “baby Kane” he is already almost as tall as his 9 year old brother.
Anyway, these memes kind of tell the tale in chromacolor for the nappers and slow learners in the back. Do not read these while consuming dry turkey left-overs. That’s a choking hazard.
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I went through every meme while wearing the label "I am easily offended" and still couldn't find the meme that made 2 losers unsubscribe. Maybe they are meme snobs and were offended at all the non- meme words you wrote between the memes?
Well, that was a great start of the Sunday, my cats are now looking at me whatever happened to the usual peace and quiet (me, LOL)🫣😇 😂🤣